his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
His hands were made for my vagina.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
