I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
