Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
