Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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