You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
