You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
