Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
