I have demons in me.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
