I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
