My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
