she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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