I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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