Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
