you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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