You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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