Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
