And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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