the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
