I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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