Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
