New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
