All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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