I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You took a bar mat shot.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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