Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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