Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
