I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
