I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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