The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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