White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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