i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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