I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
