So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
