If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Randomize
