textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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