I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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