I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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