i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
