Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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