someone threw a dead crab at me
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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