JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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