Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
