I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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