I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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