I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
