Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
