I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
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At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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