if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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