I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
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This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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