I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
