You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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