I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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