I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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