Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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