I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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