Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
