Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
