i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
