Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
