Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
