Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We had to coat check the pizza.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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