Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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