I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's shark week go big or go home
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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